"Don't swipe right if you're not going to reply to my message- OR ELSE!"

Things that annoy me about tinder profiles: 

1) The "since apparently that matters on here" that appears after every mention of height. 

It's Tinder. EVERYTHING MATTERS. Am I shallow and superficial because I care how your face looks? No- it's reasonable to want to know how your face looks, right?  But I'm shallow and superficial because I care about how tall you are?  Pleaseeee. Get over it. Some guys don't like petite girls and I'm pretty much as short as they get. If someone doesn't swipe right because I'm short- like omg- the doctors think i'll live. I think it's crazy that we're all on these apps just basically judging each other by our pics and the girls are sooooo shallow because we want to know height. Get over it. 

2) The "Don't swipe right if you're not going to reply to my message." I think people who write this have this scenario in their head where girls see their picture/profile and are so taken by it, that they stop swiping immediately. No other guys in their queue matter anymore, nor does their work, friends, family, etc. THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS IS THIS ONE RANDOM GUY I SWIPED RIGHT ON. HE'S A STRANGER FROM TINDER, BUT HE'S REALLY IMPORTANT TO ME.  People swipe in big batches. Maybe I swiped right on 50 guys in a row because my train was delayed and I was bored on the platform and 50 guys looked good to me. Am I contractually obliged to engage in chat in a timely manner with each and every one of them? I think not!!

Don't play the game if you can't deal with losing. People seem really overly sensitive. 

WHY DID SHE GIVE ME HER NUMBER AND THEN NOT RESPOND TO MY TEXT?!

This post is addressing more of a male issue. I've had a number of guy friends vent about the following situation: the guy gets the girl's number while out in a bar; he texts the girl, and the girl doesn't write back. This inevitably begs the question, "Why did she give me her number if she doesn't want to see me again?"

It goes like this. If I'm in a bar, I've spent a few minutes talking to a guy and he asks for my number, I basically have about FIVE SECONDS to decide then and there if I want to see him again. It would be really weird if a guy asked me, "Can I have your number?" And I just looked at him for oh I don't know ten, twenty, thirty seconds while I thought about it, and then delivered my decision. "You know what? Yes. Yes you can have my number, here it is!"

If I'm not sure if I want to see the guy again, it's MUCH EASIER to give him my number and decide later that I'm not interested. Doing this gives me options. If I'm not sure and I DON'T give him my number, if I change my mind later, it's too late. This is why people give their numbers out and later don't respond to texts. We're humans. We can meet someone, have a pleasant conversation with them, and later decide we don't want to see them again. It's not that complicated. If someone does this to you, get over it. It happens a lot. 

So yes, sometimes I give out my number and decide later that I don't want to see him again. Many of my friends are in the camp of "you need to write back and say you're not interested," but I tend to think if I meet someone out, and they haven't gone out of their way for me in terms of time or money, they can figure out what a lack of response means here. If I have been on an actual concrete date with someone, that's a different situation. The two options I have are a) not responding to the text or b) figuring out a nice way to say "I know I don't really know you that well yet, but I have lost interest and don't want to get to know you after all. I shouldn't have given you my number. Sorry for changing my mind." 

Politely Communicate Disinterest

                     

In my early days of dating, I used to feel obliged to act happy, upbeat, and wonderfully interested in everything my date was saying for the duration of the date- even if I couldn’t stand the guy was dying to get out of there. I thought I was being rude if I didn't act like i was having a great time.

I realized the error of my ways when I was on a Match.com date at a lovely lounge in New York called the Stone Rose.  The guy was just not what I was looking for- different interests, different places of life, etc. I finished my drink and excused myself to the rest room, figuring I’d wrap up the date when I returned to the table. When I got back from the restroom, I was shocked to see that he had gone ahead and ordered me a second glass of Pinot Grigio. I felt like a deer in headlights when it hit me-  OMG, he thinks I’m actually having a good time! This was a bad situation because what he did  (ordering me a second drink) was actually a very nice, albeit unwanted, gesture.

I realized on this date that if I act like I’m having an amazing time on a date, the guy is going to think I really am, and then he’ll be understandably confused when I tell him I don’t want to see him again. My behavior was misleading. There are ways to communicate disinterest without yawning loudly, staring at your watch, or blatantly checking your cell phone during the date. You don’t have to finish your drink to tell a guy it was nice meeting him- if you realize something’s not meant to be you can thank him for a lovely evening, say you have to get going, pay for what you drank, call it a night.

Embarrassing Dating Moment #1

The moral of this story is:

Look in the mirror very carefully before you leave for your date!

I usually never do stuff like this, but what can I say... it happens.

guess what he said to me after just one date!

We all want to be happy.

So if you go on a date with a guy who says something that sounds magical for the first date, like….

“My job is transferring me to Miami in a few months and getting me an awesome apartment right on the beach. I want you to come with me, babe.”

Or “My best friend is getting married in Bora Bora next year, and I want you to be my date.”

“I know we’ve only had one date, but I have a great house in Nantucket. I’m going to the Nantucket Film Festival next week- you should spend the week with me!”  

If you like the guy, you’ll probably be over the moon. Most guys take their sweet time when it comes to inviting a girl on vacation, introducing her to his friends, bringing her to a wedding, etc. So if he doesn’t even know you that well yet, but he already likes you enough to make this huge gesture, he must think you’re really special, right??

Wrong. While it’s very flattering to hear things like this, when a guy makes an offer like this to a girl he doesn’t know that well yet, it means she fits the bill for whatever the “excursion” is- wedding date, Memorial Day Weekend travel buddy, starter girlfriend in new city. So congratulations on that. But if he’s ready to take you on vacation after he just met you- what do you think would happen if you said no? He’ll ask the very next girl he goes out with. You could be anyone.

Keep in mind that it is still a generous gesture when someone invites you on vacation, even if it’s very early in the relationship. Adventures with new guys can be fun, but always keep your eyes open in situations like this.  Think of all the possible reasons a guy might want to bring a girl who is essentially a stranger on vacation- long romantic walks on the beach are probably not at the top of that list ;)

He Cancelled Our Date

People cancel dates all the time- sometimes for legit reasons, sometimes not. The text message above that I got from Zach was a very uncool cancellation - he had asked me out for this night several days in advance, but he cancelled just two hours before with the lamest excuse ever- "I realized I really shouldn't go out tonight." I still don't even know what that means.

There are many variations of Zach's text- "it's been a crazy day at work and it's going to be a crazy week/month/year," "Hey- leaving work and I'm not feeling great," etc. If you get a text like this, do not suggest another date- that is his responsibility. If a guy cancels on you and wants to see you again, he will be apologetic, and he will suggest an alternative date. Conversely, if you need to cancel a date with someone who you want to see again, your text to him should look something like this:

"Hey Tom. I'm so sorry, but I have to cancel our date Monday night. I'd really like to get together though- are you around Thursday by any chance? If not, would another night work?"

If you must cancel and want to see the guy again, just make sure to suggest another day so he knows you're not blowing him off.

You're amazing, but I never want to see you again.

You’ve been out with someone once or twice. He’s a good guy, but you’re just not feeling a connection. You’re definitely not interested in another date, but you want to exit the situation gracefully. One option is to say nothing- after all, he might not be “feeling it” either.

But what if the guy wants to see you again?

When I’m in this situation, I generally write a variation of the following:

"Hey Matt. Thanks so much for the very lovely date. I had a really nice time

 with you, but I don’t think we’re match. Take care and good luck!"

My friends and I jokingly call these “You’re amazing, but I never want to see you again” texts. Rejection texts aren’t pleasant to send or receive, but if the chemistry just isn’t there, it’s much better to cut things off than to lead someone on. Dating someone you’re not interested is a mutual waste of time and energy, and ultimately leads nowhere. Texts like these are an inherent and necessary part of dating.

BTW- The guy’s last response to my text made me happy that I wasn’t seeing him again.